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Screamers

i come from a long line of screamers on my mother’s side. it’s hereditary. it’s genetic. it’s a learned behaviour. i scream for many reasons aside the obvious. most people scream when they are excited, frustrated or angry. but in my family the scream is used to show you care about someone. it means you love them. it means you can’t imagine what life would be without them. a perfect example of this is when my Nana had a heart attack many years ago. she was living with my aunt at the time, and it just so happened that she collapsed in front of her. now normal behaviour would be to remain calm, or at least try to, and call for help. but that’s not normal in my family. so instead my aunt yelled at her ‘stop scaring me’ which was then followed by ‘what’s wrong you silly old fool, get up!’. now I feel the need to mention that the ambulance was called and Nana lived to tell the tale.

to get to the point of the story, what I am trying to say is: we yell because we care and because somehow in some way you sacred us. so if I yell at you at a time that seems inappropriate, just remember it’s because I love you.

 

Angry-Lion


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Frantic texts from a toilet cubicle

my morning started with me texting my sister from the toilets at work because I was on the verge of a panic attack and felt like I needed to run away….far far away…..and preferably from myself. the fact that I had the onset of a migraine was only making matters worse. the day was the hectic kind of busy, not the normal busy and by mid morning I was ready to call it quits. my phone flashed at me just as I was about to go back to my desk, gather my belongings, and go home. it was a message from my sister. she wanted me to take stock and put things in perspective. she told me about the phone call she had just received from her boss’s wife. you see his mother had just been diagnosed with cancer, and was being prepped for surgery right that very minute. my heart broke for a man I didn’t know, who was looking at the future with bleak eyes.

I messaged my sister to please let him know that we were thinking of him and sending healing loving vibes to his mother. I then went back to my desk, took a sip of tea, and got on with my hectic busy day. because my mum was safely at home with my dad. because my sister was just at the other end of the phone. because my husband was at work going about his day. because all my loved ones were healthy. because at the end of it all, it was a shitty day at work. it wasn’t a nerve wracking wait in a sterile hospital waiting room, waiting to hear on news about how my mother went in surgery…….

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It

Like purging hell

Violent and uncontrollable

My head explodes

My chest erupts

I feel my kidneys surge

Ambushes me

Attacks me

My eyes just want to close

I fear It and I loathe It

Try to banish It from my life

It’s defiant and underhanded

It thrives on telling me lies

But It is mine

I made It

I own It

Feed It heartache grief and fears

It is the monkey on my back

It is my panic attack

 

 

panic


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Each Soul Is Precious

my day started the same as every other monday, and the morning traffic was the usual monday morning traffic. my weekend had been full of mixed emotions and i was kind of on autopilot driving while i sifted through some of those emotions in my head. i sat at the red light not far from work, sipping my coffee and staring blankly ahead waiting for the light to turn green. i then saw something not 50 meters ahead that made my blood run cold……i watched a car run over a gathering of noisy miner birds on the road. not slow down and wait for them to fly off the breadroll they were eating, not even toot the horn a little to frighten them off……just ploughed over them! my coffee got flung on the passenger seat and i ran the light to find out how many i could save and remove safely from the onslaught of cars. i ran into oncoming traffic because drivers seemed to be oblivious to the fact that there were injured animals! there was quite a gathering of flapping wings and sqawking, but there was only one little injured one thank goodness. i scooped him up and knew immediately he was in a bad way. i also knew there wasn’t enough time to turn around and get him to our avian vet. so i sat there, with his little body nestled into my hands and lap. he looked at me. not just up at me, but AT me. he gave me two little chirps, and then he slowly let go. i sat there for what felt like forever, nursing his still warm little body. i smoothed down his ruffled feathers, and straightenend his crumpled body. i closed his big brown eyes and stroked his beautiful wings. i then attempted to tidy myself up and contain my rage. how the hell does someone just drive over an animal and keep going?! what kind of a world do we live in where a person cannot slow down enough to let an animal get off the road. what the fuck people, WHAT. THE. FUCK. !!!!!!!

i pulled out into traffic and drove the short remaining distance to work. i drove with this tiny barely warm body in my lap. and when i got to work i wrapped him in a towel i have in my car. a little blue hand towel i keep for such emergencies. i placed him tenderly on the seat of my car, all the while talking soothingly to a little light that had gone out. when i get home i plan on burying him in the garden.

I am grateful that i was there to take him off the road. that he wasn’t alone in his final moments. that i was able to hold him and love him while he closed his eyes and went to sleep. two souls sharing a passing moment in time….for that i will be forever grateful.


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I lost her

Confident

Outspoken

Take no shit

Where did she go?

I lost her

When did she leave?

I can’t remember

It seems like forever ago

Every now and then

I catch a glimpse of her

I see her spark

Feel her fire

That younger version of me

Watch her lovingly

Longingly

I turn around

She has vanished

And I am left with

Defeat

And a sense of loss

I miss her

I wish she would come back to stay.


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Thank You

I wrote a card to a friend today. I wrote a card and I put it in the post. I wrote a card after 5 days of procrastinating about it. The card said thank you. But it was so much more than just thank you. The card seemed so much smaller and so insignificant for what I wanted to say. I call this woman ‘friend’ yet I believe that this could be seen as an exaggeration from her perspective. I have known her a few short months, yet feel like she has always been there. I wrote a card to say how much I appreciate her words and her mojo. To let her know what an inspiration she is to me. To tell her how she has made me question everything in the best possible way. I wanted her to know that she has made a difference to one person, one soul. I wanted to tell her I love her because to me she represents freedom and passion and bravery. Because she is beautiful inside and out.

I wanted to tell her all that…..but instead I wrote ‘Thank You’…….I hope she sees all I didn’t say in those two words.

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