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Dear 26 year old Me,

You are about to have your first nervous breakdown, and i need to tell you a few things before it happens. First and foremost, you wll survive it. At the time you will think you won’t, but you will.  You will get a chance to see a glimpse of how much your Mother truly loves you. The lengths she goes to will amaze you. You will hear your Father cry late at night when he thinks you are finally asleep, and this will squeeze your heart so much it physically hurts. You will be be referred to a psychiatrist who will diagnose you with PTSD, and anxiety disorder. You will blame yourself for the break down of your marriage, and you will go on an emotional rollercoaster ride as the Dr’s try to find the right medication for you. You will cry…..a LOT!……and then some more. You will feel like a failure because you have had to move back home with your parents and sister. You will hide the secrets of what took place inside your marriage behind the wall of shame you built for the next 14 years. Your sister will once again become your best friend after having spent 7 years emotionally apart. The road to regaining your self confidence and emotional security will be a long one. I need you to remember that you didn’t get like this over night. It took years of abuse to slowly chip away at your strength.

One day in the future you will sit with your Mum on the edge of her bed, and tell her about the nightmares you still have….about the mental, emotional and sexual abuse you endured……about the nights you sat in the dark crying, wanting more than anything to just be able to phone her and hear her voice and tell her to come and get you…..to hold you…..to keep you safe. You will both sit and cry and you will curl up on her lap and you will finally feel safe again. The type of safe only a Mother’s touch can bring.

You are stronger than this….You always were, and You always will be.

I love you,

Me xo

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Some things are best not known

i have come to the conclusion the older i have gotten, that there are some things you are best not knowing. here are a few:

1. the day/moment you will die

2. what goes on behind a closed toilet door

3. what your dad looks like naked

4. what chilli in the eye feels like

5. what food poisoning feels like

6. what goes into a commercially bought meat pie

7. how many people your ex cheated on you with

8. how much chocolate you can consume before you throw up

9. how long you can sit on an ant’s nest for- it was 2 minutes and 37 seconds for the record

10. what tinned cat food tastes like