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Dear 26 year old Me,

You are about to have your first nervous breakdown, and i need to tell you a few things before it happens. First and foremost, you wll survive it. At the time you will think you won’t, but you will.  You will get a chance to see a glimpse of how much your Mother truly loves you. The lengths she goes to will amaze you. You will hear your Father cry late at night when he thinks you are finally asleep, and this will squeeze your heart so much it physically hurts. You will be be referred to a psychiatrist who will diagnose you with PTSD, and anxiety disorder. You will blame yourself for the break down of your marriage, and you will go on an emotional rollercoaster ride as the Dr’s try to find the right medication for you. You will cry…..a LOT!……and then some more. You will feel like a failure because you have had to move back home with your parents and sister. You will hide the secrets of what took place inside your marriage behind the wall of shame you built for the next 14 years. Your sister will once again become your best friend after having spent 7 years emotionally apart. The road to regaining your self confidence and emotional security will be a long one. I need you to remember that you didn’t get like this over night. It took years of abuse to slowly chip away at your strength.

One day in the future you will sit with your Mum on the edge of her bed, and tell her about the nightmares you still have….about the mental, emotional and sexual abuse you endured……about the nights you sat in the dark crying, wanting more than anything to just be able to phone her and hear her voice and tell her to come and get you…..to hold you…..to keep you safe. You will both sit and cry and you will curl up on her lap and you will finally feel safe again. The type of safe only a Mother’s touch can bring.

You are stronger than this….You always were, and You always will be.

I love you,

Me xo

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Frantic texts from a toilet cubicle

my morning started with me texting my sister from the toilets at work because I was on the verge of a panic attack and felt like I needed to run away….far far away…..and preferably from myself. the fact that I had the onset of a migraine was only making matters worse. the day was the hectic kind of busy, not the normal busy and by mid morning I was ready to call it quits. my phone flashed at me just as I was about to go back to my desk, gather my belongings, and go home. it was a message from my sister. she wanted me to take stock and put things in perspective. she told me about the phone call she had just received from her boss’s wife. you see his mother had just been diagnosed with cancer, and was being prepped for surgery right that very minute. my heart broke for a man I didn’t know, who was looking at the future with bleak eyes.

I messaged my sister to please let him know that we were thinking of him and sending healing loving vibes to his mother. I then went back to my desk, took a sip of tea, and got on with my hectic busy day. because my mum was safely at home with my dad. because my sister was just at the other end of the phone. because my husband was at work going about his day. because all my loved ones were healthy. because at the end of it all, it was a shitty day at work. it wasn’t a nerve wracking wait in a sterile hospital waiting room, waiting to hear on news about how my mother went in surgery…….

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Thank You

I wrote a card to a friend today. I wrote a card and I put it in the post. I wrote a card after 5 days of procrastinating about it. The card said thank you. But it was so much more than just thank you. The card seemed so much smaller and so insignificant for what I wanted to say. I call this woman ‘friend’ yet I believe that this could be seen as an exaggeration from her perspective. I have known her a few short months, yet feel like she has always been there. I wrote a card to say how much I appreciate her words and her mojo. To let her know what an inspiration she is to me. To tell her how she has made me question everything in the best possible way. I wanted her to know that she has made a difference to one person, one soul. I wanted to tell her I love her because to me she represents freedom and passion and bravery. Because she is beautiful inside and out.

I wanted to tell her all that…..but instead I wrote ‘Thank You’…….I hope she sees all I didn’t say in those two words.

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I Choose to be the Bigger Person

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today is going to be a lesson in ‘being the bigger person’. something i have to work hard at a lot of the time because i have a short fuse and a mean temper. one of the people at work has taken a dislike to me for reasons i am oblivious to. i have searched my memory bank and cannot come up with a single incident where i had been rude, disrespectful, or uncooperative to this individual.

so i am taking a step back and breathing. i am eating my lunch, and i am mentally listing things in my life i am grateful for. this is just another situation where life is showing me a path and giving me a choice…..i choose to be the bigger person.


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Gratitude List

  1. Laughter – it stretches my face, makes my belly work, and massages my soul
  2. Those precious moments when I feel like I am where I am supposed to be
  3. Clean fresh air that makes my lungs feel alive
  4. Having choices in everything
  5. My sexuality and all that encompasses
  6. My sister’s bedtime txt messages
  7. That at the age of 39 I found a woman who inspires and motivates me with her words and actions…..I call her friend
  8. Pedicures
  9. Hair removal
  10. Kisses