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Weekend in a nutshell

This was my weekend in a nutshell:

  • Brother in law was taken to hospital after getting knocked unconscious at work on Friday afternoon
  • Father had a fall at home on Friday night  and I got to practice my first aid skills
  • I got a migraine from what I suspect was MSG in the takeaway we had on Saturday night
  • And I came to the awful realisation that my parents have gotten old

The last one is probably the one that has rocked me the hardest. Our parents aren’t supposed to get old. They’re not supposed to lose their independence. They’re not supposed to get clumsy and forgetful. Most impostantly, they’re not supposed to leave us.


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Dear 26 year old Me,

You are about to have your first nervous breakdown, and i need to tell you a few things before it happens. First and foremost, you wll survive it. At the time you will think you won’t, but you will.  You will get a chance to see a glimpse of how much your Mother truly loves you. The lengths she goes to will amaze you. You will hear your Father cry late at night when he thinks you are finally asleep, and this will squeeze your heart so much it physically hurts. You will be be referred to a psychiatrist who will diagnose you with PTSD, and anxiety disorder. You will blame yourself for the break down of your marriage, and you will go on an emotional rollercoaster ride as the Dr’s try to find the right medication for you. You will cry…..a LOT!……and then some more. You will feel like a failure because you have had to move back home with your parents and sister. You will hide the secrets of what took place inside your marriage behind the wall of shame you built for the next 14 years. Your sister will once again become your best friend after having spent 7 years emotionally apart. The road to regaining your self confidence and emotional security will be a long one. I need you to remember that you didn’t get like this over night. It took years of abuse to slowly chip away at your strength.

One day in the future you will sit with your Mum on the edge of her bed, and tell her about the nightmares you still have….about the mental, emotional and sexual abuse you endured……about the nights you sat in the dark crying, wanting more than anything to just be able to phone her and hear her voice and tell her to come and get you…..to hold you…..to keep you safe. You will both sit and cry and you will curl up on her lap and you will finally feel safe again. The type of safe only a Mother’s touch can bring.

You are stronger than this….You always were, and You always will be.

I love you,

Me xo


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Screamers

i come from a long line of screamers on my mother’s side. it’s hereditary. it’s genetic. it’s a learned behaviour. i scream for many reasons aside the obvious. most people scream when they are excited, frustrated or angry. but in my family the scream is used to show you care about someone. it means you love them. it means you can’t imagine what life would be without them. a perfect example of this is when my Nana had a heart attack many years ago. she was living with my aunt at the time, and it just so happened that she collapsed in front of her. now normal behaviour would be to remain calm, or at least try to, and call for help. but that’s not normal in my family. so instead my aunt yelled at her ‘stop scaring me’ which was then followed by ‘what’s wrong you silly old fool, get up!’. now I feel the need to mention that the ambulance was called and Nana lived to tell the tale.

to get to the point of the story, what I am trying to say is: we yell because we care and because somehow in some way you sacred us. so if I yell at you at a time that seems inappropriate, just remember it’s because I love you.

 

Angry-Lion


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Frantic texts from a toilet cubicle

my morning started with me texting my sister from the toilets at work because I was on the verge of a panic attack and felt like I needed to run away….far far away…..and preferably from myself. the fact that I had the onset of a migraine was only making matters worse. the day was the hectic kind of busy, not the normal busy and by mid morning I was ready to call it quits. my phone flashed at me just as I was about to go back to my desk, gather my belongings, and go home. it was a message from my sister. she wanted me to take stock and put things in perspective. she told me about the phone call she had just received from her boss’s wife. you see his mother had just been diagnosed with cancer, and was being prepped for surgery right that very minute. my heart broke for a man I didn’t know, who was looking at the future with bleak eyes.

I messaged my sister to please let him know that we were thinking of him and sending healing loving vibes to his mother. I then went back to my desk, took a sip of tea, and got on with my hectic busy day. because my mum was safely at home with my dad. because my sister was just at the other end of the phone. because my husband was at work going about his day. because all my loved ones were healthy. because at the end of it all, it was a shitty day at work. it wasn’t a nerve wracking wait in a sterile hospital waiting room, waiting to hear on news about how my mother went in surgery…….

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It

Like purging hell

Violent and uncontrollable

My head explodes

My chest erupts

I feel my kidneys surge

Ambushes me

Attacks me

My eyes just want to close

I fear It and I loathe It

Try to banish It from my life

It’s defiant and underhanded

It thrives on telling me lies

But It is mine

I made It

I own It

Feed It heartache grief and fears

It is the monkey on my back

It is my panic attack

 

 

panic


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Each Soul Is Precious

my day started the same as every other monday, and the morning traffic was the usual monday morning traffic. my weekend had been full of mixed emotions and i was kind of on autopilot driving while i sifted through some of those emotions in my head. i sat at the red light not far from work, sipping my coffee and staring blankly ahead waiting for the light to turn green. i then saw something not 50 meters ahead that made my blood run cold……i watched a car run over a gathering of noisy miner birds on the road. not slow down and wait for them to fly off the breadroll they were eating, not even toot the horn a little to frighten them off……just ploughed over them! my coffee got flung on the passenger seat and i ran the light to find out how many i could save and remove safely from the onslaught of cars. i ran into oncoming traffic because drivers seemed to be oblivious to the fact that there were injured animals! there was quite a gathering of flapping wings and sqawking, but there was only one little injured one thank goodness. i scooped him up and knew immediately he was in a bad way. i also knew there wasn’t enough time to turn around and get him to our avian vet. so i sat there, with his little body nestled into my hands and lap. he looked at me. not just up at me, but AT me. he gave me two little chirps, and then he slowly let go. i sat there for what felt like forever, nursing his still warm little body. i smoothed down his ruffled feathers, and straightenend his crumpled body. i closed his big brown eyes and stroked his beautiful wings. i then attempted to tidy myself up and contain my rage. how the hell does someone just drive over an animal and keep going?! what kind of a world do we live in where a person cannot slow down enough to let an animal get off the road. what the fuck people, WHAT. THE. FUCK. !!!!!!!

i pulled out into traffic and drove the short remaining distance to work. i drove with this tiny barely warm body in my lap. and when i got to work i wrapped him in a towel i have in my car. a little blue hand towel i keep for such emergencies. i placed him tenderly on the seat of my car, all the while talking soothingly to a little light that had gone out. when i get home i plan on burying him in the garden.

I am grateful that i was there to take him off the road. that he wasn’t alone in his final moments. that i was able to hold him and love him while he closed his eyes and went to sleep. two souls sharing a passing moment in time….for that i will be forever grateful.