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Self Sabotage

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as the working week draws to a close, I make fantastic plans in my head of all the things I will do on the weekend. it is the same every week. I plan, and I fail. I see myself getting up early to go to the gym, hubby and I having a lovely brunch, perhaps a spot of shopping with my mum, followed by some type of lovely takeaway for dinner, and chocolate and dvd’s snuggled in our pyjamas.

the reality is that the weekend ends up becoming one frantic waste of time. there is washing to be done, housework that got left to the weekend, the sleep in that was oh so precious I couldn’t drag myself out from under the warm hug of my doona. then I get caught in the vicious circle of weekend hair and clothes, which means even if I found a spare moment to run into the real world, I am never dressed appropriately for public viewing.

I came to the conclusion today that subconsciously I sabotage my weekends. why? well unless it serves my purpose or my needs, deep down I have no desire to actually mingle with people or even leave my house. this in itself is a fine line I walk and I have to monitor myself closely. I suffer with anxiety disorder, and I have a history of PTSD and agoraphobia. these things have a habit of rearing their ugly heads during periods of stress (emotionally or physically). I know they also take a toll on those around me.  so at the moment I need to be a little kinder to myself, and allow myself some breathing space to work through this bout of insecurity and change. so as I sit here on this Sunday night having accomplished very little this weekend other than a clean house, I need to remind myself that a new weekend is only 5 days away……maybe I will have another go at normality then….

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