elizabeththebee

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You

the hugs i crave

the kisses that move me

the smiles that make my eyes crinkle

the laugh that makes me feel alive

the hair i run my fingers through when falling asleep

the back that i wrap my arms around

the mouth that smirks like the cat that got the cream

the voice that soothes my frazzled nerves

the hand that encloses mine with strength and tenderness

the chest i rest my head upon to hear the beat

the bottom i cup in intimate moments

the legs i intertwine with mine

they are yours

they all belong to you

 

 

 

 


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Weekend in a nutshell

This was my weekend in a nutshell:

  • Brother in law was taken to hospital after getting knocked unconscious at work on Friday afternoon
  • Father had a fall at home on Friday night  and I got to practice my first aid skills
  • I got a migraine from what I suspect was MSG in the takeaway we had on Saturday night
  • And I came to the awful realisation that my parents have gotten old

The last one is probably the one that has rocked me the hardest. Our parents aren’t supposed to get old. They’re not supposed to lose their independence. They’re not supposed to get clumsy and forgetful. Most impostantly, they’re not supposed to leave us.


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Nothingness

i feel a sense of nothing today. not sad or tired or flat…..just nothing. these days don’t happen very often thank goodness, because they have a tendancy to take a lot out of me afterwards. more often than not i blame work for this nothingness. not the work or the people, just work in general. the feeling of being trapped indoors behind a desk leaves me feeling empty…..nothing. if you said to me let’s get out of here and go for a drive, or here is a fluffy animal for you to smooch and cuddle, i would snap out of it as soon as i felt the wind in my hair or the fur beneath my fingers.

instead i will eat my lunch and pretend i am home smooching my lovebug

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Dear 26 year old Me,

You are about to have your first nervous breakdown, and i need to tell you a few things before it happens. First and foremost, you wll survive it. At the time you will think you won’t, but you will.  You will get a chance to see a glimpse of how much your Mother truly loves you. The lengths she goes to will amaze you. You will hear your Father cry late at night when he thinks you are finally asleep, and this will squeeze your heart so much it physically hurts. You will be be referred to a psychiatrist who will diagnose you with PTSD, and anxiety disorder. You will blame yourself for the break down of your marriage, and you will go on an emotional rollercoaster ride as the Dr’s try to find the right medication for you. You will cry…..a LOT!……and then some more. You will feel like a failure because you have had to move back home with your parents and sister. You will hide the secrets of what took place inside your marriage behind the wall of shame you built for the next 14 years. Your sister will once again become your best friend after having spent 7 years emotionally apart. The road to regaining your self confidence and emotional security will be a long one. I need you to remember that you didn’t get like this over night. It took years of abuse to slowly chip away at your strength.

One day in the future you will sit with your Mum on the edge of her bed, and tell her about the nightmares you still have….about the mental, emotional and sexual abuse you endured……about the nights you sat in the dark crying, wanting more than anything to just be able to phone her and hear her voice and tell her to come and get you…..to hold you…..to keep you safe. You will both sit and cry and you will curl up on her lap and you will finally feel safe again. The type of safe only a Mother’s touch can bring.

You are stronger than this….You always were, and You always will be.

I love you,

Me xo


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Toilet etiquette

i need to get something off my chest, and i hate to say it, but it’s a subject most of us don’t like discussing. but that’s ok, because i am the one doing all the talking. it’s about loo’s. you know, dunny, thunderbox, latrine, outhouse, throne, lavatory. toilets, and the common courtesy that comes along with them. now a lot of these will cross the boundaries between home and public toilets, so look at them as you will….

1. if the loo roll is empty, change it
2. if it leaves a skid, scrub it with the toilet brush
3. if there isn’t a toilet brush, paper down first making #2 nul and void (pun intended)
4. if you feel the need to kangaroo it (squat) don’t pee on the seat
5. if you inadvertently pee on the seat, wipe it off
6. if it stinks, spray some de-stink
7. if you don’t have de-stink spray, get some
8. if you don’t have a spare roll of loo paper in the loo, put one in there
9. close the door!
10. if you take your phone in the loo with you, don’t answer it if it rings – no-one wants to hear you grunt and try to hold a conversation at the same time
11. try to pee IN the loo, not on the floor in front, or beside, or up the wall – this one is obviously for the boys
12. if any of you ladies fit into #11, seek medical help!
13. only one person per cubicle
14. if you drop loo paper on the floor, pick it up
15. no eating in the loo

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Self Sabotage

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as the working week draws to a close, I make fantastic plans in my head of all the things I will do on the weekend. it is the same every week. I plan, and I fail. I see myself getting up early to go to the gym, hubby and I having a lovely brunch, perhaps a spot of shopping with my mum, followed by some type of lovely takeaway for dinner, and chocolate and dvd’s snuggled in our pyjamas.

the reality is that the weekend ends up becoming one frantic waste of time. there is washing to be done, housework that got left to the weekend, the sleep in that was oh so precious I couldn’t drag myself out from under the warm hug of my doona. then I get caught in the vicious circle of weekend hair and clothes, which means even if I found a spare moment to run into the real world, I am never dressed appropriately for public viewing.

I came to the conclusion today that subconsciously I sabotage my weekends. why? well unless it serves my purpose or my needs, deep down I have no desire to actually mingle with people or even leave my house. this in itself is a fine line I walk and I have to monitor myself closely. I suffer with anxiety disorder, and I have a history of PTSD and agoraphobia. these things have a habit of rearing their ugly heads during periods of stress (emotionally or physically). I know they also take a toll on those around me.  so at the moment I need to be a little kinder to myself, and allow myself some breathing space to work through this bout of insecurity and change. so as I sit here on this Sunday night having accomplished very little this weekend other than a clean house, I need to remind myself that a new weekend is only 5 days away……maybe I will have another go at normality then….